Education & Careers » student life

5 Lamest Mascots

Marcus Varner — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:17:58 +0000

So there are more important criteria in your college search than the school’s mascot, but it’s still important… sorta. Some mascots are symbols of power and prowess, like the USC Trojan or the LSU Tiger. And some, um, aren’t. Going instead for cuteness or humor has left some schools with less-than-cool mascots. These mascots provide comic relief (Isn’t that what drunk, fat guys are for?), but I pity the football team that has to march out onto the field behind one of these. You would almost have to be extra fierce to make up for a big dorky toadstool or a rainbow colored whatchamacallit. If you ask me, lame mascots really get your team off on the wrong foot in the intimidation department.

Some glaring examples of lame mascots appear below. I hereby petition, in the interest of the sports teams that must be represented by these sorry ambassadors, that these mascots be removed and replaced by something cool. The five lamest college mascots are:

1. The Evergreen State College Geoduck – A geoduck is a mollusk with a bizarre tube protruding from its shell to propel it through the water. The geoduck, although the longest living mollusk in the world, is seriously lacking in the intimidation department. The costumed geoduck used at sporting events is no improvement on the boring creature.

2. The Ohio State Buckeye – A buckeye is a kind of nut. That’s right, a nut. True, it’s a tough nut to crack, but it’s still just a nut. Their costumed mascot is a hearty-looking fellow with a buckeye nut head- it looks like someone wearing one of those dog attack suits.

3. The Stanford Tree – Christmas trees may say alot of things, like ‘love’, ‘family,’ ‘the holidays’, and so on. But one thing they don’t say is, “Prepare for hell, you miserable cretins. Today you meet your maker!” The crooked eyes and loopy red lips don’t help either.

4. The Syracuse Orange – See all of the reasons in number 2.

5. The Saint Louis Billiken – If you’re wondering what a Billiken is, join the club. Billiken’s are an imaginary race of otherworldly creatures dreamed up, literally, by some lady. How they became a college mascot is beyond me. Can we expect to see Smurfs or TellyTubbies grace the sidelines? Heaven forbid.

College Students: Tomorrow’s Future Leaders?

Marcus Varner — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:52:10 +0000

College just doesn’t mean what it used to. One need only look to the recent drug bust at San Diego State to see this point driven home. Forget about discipline, higher learning, and character- college has become a big party. Colleges put students through rigorous admission processes only to let them run rampant once they get there. The result: a college diploma- especially one from San Diego State- doesn’t stand for anything.

College administration, parents, fraternities and sororities, and the students themselves are all to blame for this. Research has shown dramatic increases in alcoholism, illegal drug use, casual sexuality, and criminal behavior among U.S. college students. Keep in mind: these aren’t the gang members or high school dropouts or kids who hold up liquor stores. These kids are the cream of the crop, those who got high enough grades and test scores to get into four-year universities.

College administrations have lost their nerve when dealing with problem students. Maybe they are afraid to lose financial donations from proud parents. Maybe they are afraid to put a public black mark on their university by highlighting student rowdiness. Maybe they’re afraid to quell student individuality. Whatever the reason, their lax standards of conduct are steadily eroding any confidence in the quality of their institutions.

Fraternities and sororities have become laughable in the contradiction they represent. Check out this mission statement from Theta Chi, one of the fraternities embroiled in the San Diego State drug bust:

Theta Chi Fraternity exists to serve a need for young men of character, principles and ideals to associate with each other. Our chapters and colonies are laboratories for leadership. Our undergraduates grow, mature and develop through interaction with other outstanding young men.

Character? Principles? Ideals? When I read the phrase “laboratories for leadership,” the first things that came to mind were meth labs. Other fraternities involved claim to promote high ethics, community service, and positive contributions to the world and society. These mission statements are so far from the binge parties, hazing, and criminal behavior they have come to represent. These organizations no longer foster personal growth; they are just clubs, maybe gangs.

Lastly, these kids’ parents are clueless. In many cases, these students are funded by their parents. Their parents have the power to yank their misbehaving behinds out of college whenever they want. So why don’t parents crack down on or even seem to notice this behavior? Who knows? Fear of how it would look. Fear of making their kids angry. Fear that their kids will never go back to school if they pull them out. The old proverb goes, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

College administration, fraternity and sorority leaders, and parents need to grow a spine. These kids are out of control. And if you won’t control them, the law will, and it will end up with your kid sitting next to a cellmate named Leroy, flushing whatever chance they had at a successful career down a nasty prison toilet. Until you do give them boundaries, all of the diplomas and awards you could hand out to them are for naught.

College Finals: Saving the Worst for Last

Marcus Varner — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:43:35 +0000

Higher education has a way of saving the very worst for last. You get through the volley of midterms, quizzes, and papers, scathed but not beaten. Just when you’re ready to grab your diploma and enjoy the fruits of your labors, they throw one last wave of projects and finals at you.

I am in the midst of that barrage as we speak. Last night, I got only three hours of sleep. The night before, I got four. At this rate, I’ll be a drooling, bloodshot-eyed zombie by the end of the week, neither living nor dead. So, if you’re wondering where the clowns with chainsaws and Mario Bros. scenery came from, let’s just say it’s the after-effect of large doses of caffeine combined with a pitiful lack of sleep and extreme stress levels.

College is great! All of you students who can feel my pain out there, sound off and let us know how it’s going in your neck of the trenches.

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