Some mascots are symbols of power and prowess, like the USC Trojan or the LSU Tiger. And, um, some aren’t. Going instead for cuteness or humor has left some schools with less-than-cool mascots. These mascots provide comic relief (Isn’t that what drunk, fat guys are for?), but I pity the football team that has to march out onto the field behind one of these. You would almost have to be extra fierce to make up for a big dorky toadstool or a rainbow colored whatchamacallit. If you ask me, lame mascots really get your team off on the wrong foot in the intimidation department.

Some glaring examples of lame mascots appear below. I hereby petition, in the interest of the sports teams that must be represented by these sorry ambassadors, that these mascots be removed and replaced by something cool. The five lamest college mascots are:

1. The Evergreen State College Geoduck – A geoduck is a mollusk with a bizarre tube protruding from its shell to propel it through the water. The geoduck, although the longest living mollusk in the world, is seriously lacking in the intimidation department. The costumed geoduck used at sporting events is no improvement on the boring creature.

2. The Ohio State Buckeye – A buckeye is a kind of nut. That’s right, a nut. True, it’s a tough nut to crack, but it’s still just a nut. Their costumed mascot is a hearty-looking fellow with a buckeye nut head- it looks like someone wearing one of those dog attack suits.

3. The Stanford Tree – Christmas trees may say alot of things, like ‘love’, ‘family,’ ‘the holidays’, and so on. But one thing they don’t say is, "Prepare for hell, you miserable cretins. Today you meet your maker!" The crooked eyes and loopy red lips don’t help either.

4. The Syracuse Orange – See all of the reasons in number 2.

5. The Saint Louis Billiken – If you’re wondering what a Billiken is, join the club. Billiken’s are an imaginary race of otherworldly creatures dreamed up, literally, by some lady. How they became a college mascot is beyond me. Can we expect to see Smurfs or TellyTubbies grace the sidelines? Heaven forbid.

Sure, you have bulldogs, panthers, knights, and hawks. But not every school chooses a conventional mascot. In fact, some schools select rather unconventional ones and often for rather strange and unorthodox reasons. Here are ten of the strangest, in no particular order — except for the last one.

Boll Weevils. At six millimeters longs, not many schools boast a mascot smaller than that of the University of Arkansas at Monticello. Still, despite its diminutive size, the boll weevil is a formidable opponent — after all, it is the most destructive cotton pest in the United States. With that in mind, it is curious why men’s athletics at Monticello are represented by the Boll Weevils whereas the women are known as the “Lady Blossoms.”

Anteaters. Is it any wonder that the 1960s, a decade famous for political unrest and protest, would also see the rise of University of California-Irvine Anteaters? Inspired by Johnny Hart’s comic strip, “B.C.,” Zot the Anteater was introduced at the school’s first athletic event, a water-polo game, in which cheerleaders led the crowd in the now-infamous chant, “Give ‘em tongue!”

Banana Slugs. While famous for its marijuana culture as well as the infamous “Porter Run,” in which students streak en masse through campus one night of the year, the University of California-Santa Cruz is also known for its distinctive mascot. The idea for the mascot grew out of the students’ disapproval of the fierce athletic competition fostered at other universities — hence, they chose the peaceable slug.

Fighting Okra. There are several legends as to how the Delta State “Statesmen” actually became known as the “Fighting Okra.” One version involves a group of athletes who decided to adopt a mascot that was more intimidating. Okra was suggested because it was green (the school color), Southern, and ugly. The name stuck.

Chokers. Although this rather unfortunate name is also slang for athletes who “choke” in the final minute and fritter away an easy victory, the Grays Harbor Chokers actually refer to an archaic logging term. Traditionally, “chokers” were men who wrapped logs with ropes prior to moving them to the lumberyard.

Vulcans. Given the volcanic activity in Hawaii, it is certainly appropriate that a local school would invoke the Roman God of Fire. That being said, upon hearing of the mascot of the University of Hawaii-Hilo, don’t most of us actually think of another prominent Vulcan as its representative? (Hint: Live long and prosper.)

Battling Bishops. Prior to 1925, the Ohio Wesleyan teams were known as the “The Red and Black” or as simply “The Methodists.” But given that there were a dozen Methodist colleges in the area, Ohio Wesleyan decided to have a contest and select a new name to distinguish itself. “Battling Bishops” was the winner.

Artichokes. Coming on the heels of protest-mascots such as the Anteaters and the Banana Slugs, the Artichokes was chosen by the students of Scottsdale Community College in the early 1970s as a protest against the school administration's practice of using scholarships intended for Native Americans to attract out-of-state athletes.

Poets. Named for a prominent poet and leader in the abolitionist movement, John Greenleaf Whittier, the Whittier College Poets are not quite as intimidating as the Fighting Okra nor even as peace-loving as the docile banana slugs. Then again, the Poets are also not as ridiculous as at least one mascot …

Fighting Pickles. Apparently, the Fighting Pickles was first suggested as a joke in 1972 when the North Carolina School of the Arts decided to have a contest to create a mascot. As with many mascot-choosing contests — when will school administrators learn? — the unlikely vegetable won, giving it not only the honor of becoming the school’s official mascot but probably the most ridiculous mascot of all time. Then again, what's your school's mascot …

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Benjamin Welch has been a college instructor in writing and composition for nearly six years. When he’s not teaching or playing golf, he offers advice for students seeking information about online education and online degrees.

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