The last six months have been a wild ride for our economy. We had our official financial meltdown at the beginning of October. The first bailout came and went. Insurance and banking giants continued to fall. U.S automakers teetered on the edge of failure propped up only by the government. Millions of jobs have been lost since the start of the year. A second bailout (er, stimulus, I mean) was approved. Bailed out companies have continued to post dismal results. And all throughout, economists, financial gurus, and conspiracy theorists alike have been prognosticating such calamities as the collapse of the U.S. dollar, the Second Great Depression, food shortages, and civil instability. Journalists both fringe and mainstream are becoming more comfortable with revolutionary language.  And yet, with so many storm clouds on the horizon, why does it seem like we have just stalled, like we’re just sitting on the precipice looking at the view below?

True, real life change does not happen at the pace of a TV disaster miniseries (gosh, I miss those). But for all the bad stuff that has happened and the harrowing stuff that’s being foretold, it feels like we’re in limbo.

Please note, I am in no way happy about our nation plunging into an economic hellhole. I like peace and plenty. But I’ve done enough homework to know, and I’ve listened to enough credible voices to know, that we are not going to get a free pass on this one. I would like to believe that we dodged the bullet and it’s time to rebuild. But that belief would in no way be built on logic or reason. It’s time to pay the piper and our credit cards are maxed out.

In my opinion, that leaves only one explanation for the current state of limbo in which we find ourselves. This is the calm before the storm, the deep breath before going over the falls.

So, ask yourself: what do you do when you’re about to go over the falls?

Do you make sure your seatbelt is on tight? Do you get ready to scream your head off and wait to hit the bottom? Do you bail out and swim for shore? Do you just enjoy the view, the cool mist of the falls? Do you just close your eyes and hope you’re still alive at the bottom?

I like to think that I and my neighbors would get out and start swimming the other direction. By the looks of things, however, most people are looking around, enjoying the view, hoping against hope that someone will turn the boat around. Yet others are taking a deep breath, preparing to scream their lungs raw.

Which one are you?

Did you hear the one about the guy who coughed up a nail he’d swallowed thirty years previous? Yep, strange but true. The first question that came to mind was, “How did he swallow a goll darn nail?”

Then I started to remember all of the weird stuff I ate as a kid. How long does that stuff stay in there? I thought. Simultaneously intrigued and creeped out, I set out to get the answers… from Google.

Gum – Yeah, we’ve all been told 7 years. Turns out it’s not that much. Scientists insist that our digestive system is much too effective to let a piece of gum stick around for 7 years.

Dirt – I hope I wasn’t the only one who chowed down on mud pies as a little tyke. No, I mean pies made of actual mud. What? You didn’t? It turns out this disgusting practice is so rare that people don’t talk about it on the internet. They talk about horses eating dirt and dying from it. They talk about earthworms eating it and creating greenhouse gases. But nothing on kids. I suddenly feel very isolated and gross.

Coins – No one knows how long these could last in the stomach because they pass in a few days, albeit painfully. Word has it, though, that the stomach acids actually polish the coin to a sparkle. Better wash and disinfect it before putting it in the display case.

Plastic – All those plastic army men, rubber balls, and Barbie hands swallowed every year have no need to fear. The human stomach lacks the enzymes necessary to break down plastic. They get a free pass through the digestion roller coaster. But they’re on their own in the porcelain express.

Paper – You know, poor man’s chewing gum. The mouth makes a great disposal hatch in times of need, getting rid of naughty notes or crime scene evidence. However, as much as the paper seems to break up in your saliva and between your molars, your stomach can’t completely break down the cellulose the paper is made of.
 

As far as non-traditional career paths go, circus careers may be king. I mean, it’s not exactly something you tell your future father-in-law the first time you meet him, is it? It doesn’t really scream business card material. And yet there is some attraction in our minds, some senseless fantasy about sneaking out of your house and running away to become a juggler or an elephant trainer. (I actually have a great-grandfather who ran away with a Chinese circus, so maybe it’s just me…)

Along this train of thought, I began to wonder how one enters a career path with the circus. How does one qualify themselves to be the Bearded Woman or a knife-swallower? Inquiring minds want to know, so I went digging… but didn’t find much.

So now I’m reaching out to you internet researchers for help.

Tight rope – Also known as funambulism, this art requires one to walk dozens of feet above the ground on a length of wire only a half-inch wide. I found some information on the metrics on this art but nothing on how to become one. Can anyone help me out with this? 

Fire-eating – Cool stuff. There is actually a Sideshow School at Coney Island, NY, where you can learn fire-eating. They also offer programs in snake charming, sword swallowing, and burlesque (if you’re, uh, into that kinda thing). The Spice Group in the UK (possibly an offshoot of the Spice Girls?) is rumored to also have a decent fire-eating training program. Couldn’t find anything about them online. Help me out…

Clown – I have a deep-seated fear of clowns. Poltergeist started it. It put the nail in the coffin. But anyway, for those who are interested in becoming a clown (go figure), it looks like there are clown schools out the wazoo. Just google ‘clown school’…

Lion-taming – I turns out you can start down this path at a traditional 4-year college. A good start is a bachelor’s degree in Biology, Zoology, or Psychology (Who knew?). The degree is followed by some rigorous on-the-job training. So trainees must be in top physical and mental shape. This is kind of the traditional path for anyone who wants to work with animals in show business.

The Dog-faced Man – This is a joke, of course. When it comes to this career, either you’ve got it or you don’t. I suppose some high doses of testosterone would improve your chances. Just realize, such a choice will have serious implications for your personal life. There’s a reason why those guys are called freaks.

So, can you help me out, internet researchers?