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College football has had a wacky season. But not as wacky as the people who show up to root their teams on to victory or bitter defeat. I’m talking about fans. In their myriad of forms, they flock to stadiums, bars, or big-screen TVs to scream, shout, curse, sing, or just politely clap. Away from football, they are business professionals, blue collar workers, artists, someone’s brother, sister, parent or grandparent. Once under the influence of the gridiron, however, they turn into a rabid mob. At their best, football fans have been known to propel their team to a win. At their worst, fans have been known to break store windows, overturn cars, and get friendly with police in riot gear.

College football just wouldn’t be the same without the fans. In the next few weeks, this unusual season will build to a hopefully exciting climax. To those who will find themselves surrounded by this endearing breed this weekend, I provide this guide to five types of college football fans:

The Barbarian - Regardless of their background, the Barbarian forgets all social mores and loses any sense of tolerance once the opening kick-off is airborne. The game is in play, and the Barbarian launches into a four-quarter tirade making full use of every available piece of profanity, defamation, or insult that they can recall under the influence of the 12-pack they consumed before the game.

When words won’t do, the Barbarian has no qualms about throwing projectiles, anything from paper airplanes to beer cans to themselves, down onto the field at incompetent officials or players. At their most extreme, the Barbarian actually thinks they’re down on the field.

Because of their aggressive nature, the Barbarian is best observed from a distance, like from the other side of stadium, out of range of their projectiles, spit, or any other potentially dangerous fluids. For the patient, the Barbarian has usually exhausted their venom by the fourth quarter and may leave the game, sit down in a morose stupor, or just collapse in an unconscious pile. Until this happens, give the Barbarian their space for your own safety.

The Sideshow - For most fans, a pair of jeans and a team sweatshirt is good enough to show their team spirit. But not for the Sideshow. The Sideshow makes their spirit known by stripping their shirt, even in crisp fall weather, and painting their skin. They may also wear costumes, capes, masks, wigs, or, on the opposite extreme, nothing at all. The Sideshow comes to show support and to catch some air time.

Thankfully, the Sideshow is mostly harmless. They’re at the game to have fun and be gawked at. With their outrageous antics, they can energize an entire section and entertain during lulls in the game. Seeing indecent Sideshows get apprehended and hauled off by police can be a special added bonus. My only caveat: don’t stand to close to the naked ones.

The Devoted - For these fans, college football is not mere sport nor is it a way to show school spirit. It goes beyond even personal. No, for the Devoted, their team is their religion. You can make fun of their mom, their spouse, or their country. But if you insult their team in any way, well, you might as well get a passport, change your name, or get used to living in some obscure corner of the world.

The Devoted can be easily recognized by the religious zeal in their eyes when their team wins or their uncontrollable sobs when their team falls. Where most people would have pictures of loved ones, the Devoted has pictures of team members and coaches. Their car is plastered with their team’s logo.

Don’t bother trying to reach them on game day; their first child could come into the world, their house burn down, and the world perish under a fiery meteor, but the Devoted would still be in the stadium holding out hope for that next touchdown.

The Stiff - Were it not for their polite golf clap, you wouldn’t even know the Stiff was standing next to you. They don’t shout. They don’t cheer. They barely smile. They speak in low whispers. When the team scores, the Stiff just softly pats their hands together.

Honestly, the Stiff is an enigma to other fans. Why they come to the game is a mystery, as they don’t seem be particularly enjoying themselves. One theory goes that the Stiff would actually prefer to sit in a box seat but is unable to acquire one. Another theory is that the Stiff is actually a golf fan who has mistakenly found themselves at a football game. Still another theory says that the Stiff is an alien lifeform doing reconnaissance on earthling rituals and doing a poor job of blending in.

The Fairweather - The opposite of the Diehard, the Fairweather is fired up when the team is winning. They come to games and go crazy. They buy the merchandise, brag to their friends, and learn the cheers. But, at the first sign of error in the team’s performance, the Fairweather is a no-show. The banners and bumper stickers disappear. They do not stick up for their team when naysayers come their way. Often, friends catch them rooting for other teams with better records on the down-low.

For the worst combination possible, get the Fairweather together with the Devoted, and watch the Devoted turn into the Barbarian. Mark my words: keep the Fairweather as far as possible from the Devoted. The Devoted will view the Fairweather as an infidel, a personal affront to their team, and may take drastic measures to yield justice upon them.

College football fans- you gotta love ‘em. So which one are you? Which one is your favorite? What types would you add to the list?

About the author
Marcus Varner earned his BA in English from Brigham Young University with a Creative Writing emphasis. He is currently in his second year at BYU’s lauded MBA program studying Marketing. He blogs, writes fiction and screenplays, loves movies, and can’t resist playing superheroes with his kids.

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