The stuff that people contribute to office Christmas party gift exchanges range from stale Slim Jims to leftover achievement plaques to genuinely cool gifts. And everyone wants to be the person who brought the gift that everyone fought over or that had everyone rolling in the aisles. With more enthusiastic crowds, bad presents can generate some genuine resentment and hostility. Good presents can boost your social status.

To make the process of finding that perfect gift a little easier, I did some research online and found the following surefire winners at affordable prices [Disclaimer: should the use and/or giving of the following items result in physical harm or social ostracization, the writer denies any and all responsibility for these outcomes]:

1. Elvis Presley Magnetic Playset (Target.com; $9.99) Who has never dreamed about being able to dress the King in a variety of rockin outfits? Well, now, with this paper doll-style set, anyone can experiment with Elvis’ wardrobe from the comfort of their own refrigerator. This gift is the ideal mix of humor, retro, pop culture, and weirdness. Click Target.com to find out more.

2. Moo Mixer Chocolate Milk Mixer (Target.com; $10.99) Are you tired of endlessly stirring your chocolate milk? Do your hands ache from spinning your spoon again and again and again? Well, now there’s relief. With the press of a button, your chocolate milk is mixed to a pleasant, creamy consistency. If your chocolate settles, just give the button a push and watch your chocolate milk return to intended evenness. This item will have your co-workers wrestling to take it home. Click Target.com to find out more.

3. Mr. T in Your Pocket (McPhee.com; $12.95) No one stood for tough like Mr. T. Now you can carry around the presence, the power, and the personality of Mr. T wherever you go. Someone cuts you off in traffic? Pull out Mr. T. Someone keeps making distracting comments during your presentation? Summon the power of Mr. T. Your supervisor gives you an unfavorable performance evaluation? Whip out Mr. T and give him a "Shut up, fool!" Throw this item into your gift exchange and watch people go crazy. Click McPhee.com to find out more.

4. Yodeling Pickle (McPhee.com; $12.95) This one definitely gets the weird/unusual thing down. Imagine the thrill of pressing the button on this seemingly ordinary pickle and hearing it yodel like the dickens over every cubicle in the office. Now that’s good times! Click McPhee.com to find out more.

5. Ginormous Grow Rat (GagWorks.com; $4.99) If it’s just pure, unexpected weirdness you’re going for, this gift takes the cake. When (or if) you were an eight-year old boy, this would have been a genuinely cool gift. For a roomful of inhibited business professionals, this may be just the thing to get them acting up. Don’t expect ladies of any age to care for this one, but the men will go nuts. Click GagWorks.com to find out more. You’re well on your way to having that standout gift at the office Christmas party. Will it result in a bigger raise? An unforeseen promotion? No promises here. But, at the very least, everyone will know you are one funny (or frighteningly bizarre) son-of-a-gun. And that’s what matters…

It can be a forgettable moment, one that destroys any popularity you’ve built up with your officemates, or one that propels you to new heights of prestige and fame. I speak of the moment that one of your co-workers receives your present at the office holiday party and unwraps it. For a single instant, all eyes will be on you and your contribution. For better or worse, the contents will define who you are. This gift, then, must be chosen with the perfect balance of style and wit, boldness and subtlety.

Depending on your company culture and your existing status and image within that organization, your present must be calculated to progress your image and status while staying within company decorum. For instance, an employees known for being quiet and reserved giving a risqué item might be seen as just, well… creepy. In a very conservative, low-humor organization, such a gift could get you ostracized and labeled as lay-off bait.

On the other hand, if the same reserved employee were to bring a gift that was humorous in a very sly, deadpan way, the employee would then become the quiet but witty, deadpan guy. You see, the gift is not such a dramatic shift from his co-workers’ perception of him as to be shocking. Rather, it just slightly nudges the employee’s persona toward humor.

Needless to say, this is a difficult game to play and one which few truly master. So, to aid the novice office Christmas party gift-giver (OCPGG), we have created the Appropriate Office Christmas Party Gift (AOCPG) Matrix. By simply gauging the OCPGG’s perceived level of humor and the level of one’s company’s humor, an employee can successfully find that sensitive balance and advance their position in the office. Most importantly, they can avoid the awkward silence and ostracization that can follow ill-chosen gifts.

Check out the AOCPG and read the recommendations to make sure you get the right gift this year:

The Rogue – If this is where you fall, you have a fine line to walk. You can get away with a lot since you are probably known as the office jester. They expect you to do something slightly outrageous.

On the other hand, you still cannot exceed the limits of your company’s tolerance. They will put up with your highjinks but only up to a certain point. Your gift choice may not move you up the social ladder, but it may prevent you from embarrassing the wrong people.

I recommend that you avoid anything questionable (adult novelties, potty gags, etc.). However, you can still give items that are just plain weird, like your late uncle’s dentures or your vintage Spock tie. You can also give items that are generally accepted as safely funny, like calendars of syndicated comic strips or singing stuffed animals.

The Ringmaster – Anything goes here. What you think is funny the company thinks is funny. As a high humor individual, you may even be looked up to as the office humor guru. If this is the case, you set the standard for funny in your workplace; whatever you contribute needs to meet the challenge. A good gift choice can enhance your humor status; a bad choice may dull your reputation or put a damper on the whole affair.

Whatever you do, do not bring the safely funny stuff (comic calendars, bobblehead dolls, etc.). People will wonder if something is wrong with you. They are expecting something irreverent, and you must deliver. Luckily, this stuff comes naturally to you.

The Cog – You’re not funny. Your company is not funny. No one in your company expects you to be especially funny. Therefore, increasing your humor status is a useless tactic.

My advice is simple: stick to the safe stuff. People in this environment may appreciate more useful items, like tape dispensers, sticky note holders, and paper weights. Your co-workers might actually be happy to get company paraphernalia, like mugs, pens, and fleece vests marked with the company logo.

This makes for a very boring company Christmas party, but what do you care? You are an unfunny person who works at an unfunny office. It will seem like just another day at work.

The Straightman – You have the most to gain from this exercise. As an unfunny member of a humor-loving organization, you can dramatically improve your status by showing your inner comedian. Up to this point, everyone thinks you’re shy, boring, and withdrawn. But, with just the right touch of humor, you will show them the real you. Those invitations to happy hour will come rolling in.

My advice: find a gift that is funny in a slightly edgy way. It can’t be too off-the-wall, of course because, well, as discussed earlier, quiet people who bring very outrageous gifts (especially adult novelties) can paint themselves as closet creepy. That’s bad. So, your gift should match your style. It can be a little weird as long as it doesn’t make people wonder about what you do during your off-hours.

Now that you know where you fit in, you are ready to take the office Christmas party by storm. Which one are you? What present are you bringing this year?

Hey, Marcus Varner here! Every week, I interview interesting folks from different careers to find out about their jobs, how they got there, and whatever else they want to talk about. This week I chat with Sam Fonoimoana, Accounting Manager for a start-up turbosystems company. We shoot the breeze about a day in the life of an accounting manager, what makes turbochargers tick, and what it would take to get my minivan ready for underground street racing. Check it out by downloading the podcast below!

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