The Evolution of a College Student

College (according to wikipedia) is some kind of institution of higher learning. Apparently, a side product of this is self discovery and growth. My mom called them "Phases". Whether is going through a kissing one of your teammates on the volleyball team or sleeping through a final, we've all done the walk of shame and worked our way closer to graduation. Here's the basic evolution trends of college students as I have seen them. 

Freshman Year- Party Animal

You've finally emancipated yourself from that prison that is your parents' palace of free food and rent and made your way to college. Congratulations. Now you live in a dorm room that is essentially a parade of nudity and alcohol and midterms fit in there somewhere. You are free. So you celebrate by drinking and failing all of your classes. Ah, freedom. 

Speech Habits: Say “Dude” in every sentence

Major purchase: Bob Marley poster

Diet: Beer and pizza!

Hobbies: Ultimate Frisbee is cool!

Study Trends: Change majors

Sophomore Year- Argyle Intellectual

Sophomore year– Time for a 180. You and some friends have decided to move into a sweet, gentrified loft close to campus. All the sudden you're in the future and the future is argyle. You still know how to party, but now parties involve wine and Ting-Tings albums. You're well read, you're taking a class on E.E. Cummings and the waitress knows exactly what you want when you come into the coffee shop.

Speech Habits: Too pretentious to say “Dude”

Major purchase: A David Sedaris book

Diet: Espresso!

Hobbies: Politics is cool!

Study Trends: Change Majors

Junior Year- Mad Scientist

What's a party? You've gotten into an elite program, but have discovered that it actually requires that you go to class. Resentment for Comm Majors sets in as they do keg stands on the quad. You're not sure where you live now, because you spend more time in the library studying. Some people talk about "graduation", but you have too many papers and projects to get through before you can bother thinking about fiction.

Speech Habits: Inaudible mumbling

Major purchase: Debt

Diet: Cocaine!

Hobbies: Insomnia is Cool!

Study Trends: Change majors

Senior Year-Collegiate Zombie

This is it. You can see the light. Sure you're a hazard behind the wheel, you haven't slept in weeks and you're not sure if the voices you keep hearing are in your head or out. Now all that remains are a few classes, a couple of tests and then find a job that you can work until you die. Crap. But that won't be hard, three to four years of all-nighters, parties and blackouts have left you basically dead. Just stay alive long enough to get a degree and go home. 

Speech Habits: Incoherent groaning

Major purchase: Bail Bond

Diet: Brains!

Hobbies: What day is it?!

Study Trends: Drop out!